Ten Pokémon drag queens enter, only one can win the crown. Who will it be? Firstly, let’s meet our contestants.
Blissqueen elegantly sashays into the workroom, and then bellows “SERVING BEAUTY. AND EGGS” to an empty space. She looks around, and rolls her eyes to save face when she sees the empty room – she was definitely not expecting to be the first one in. She sits on a stool and waits expectantly, brushing her skirt.
“My name is Blissqueen, I’m 34 and I’ve been in this game for over a decade. Yes, I’m a big girl but I can take anything these bitches will throw at me.”
“Oh my gosh,” comes the faint whisper of Pachichichichi as she turns around the door. She’s starstruck! The two Pokémon scream with joy when they notice each other, and Pachichichichi runs towards the table with barely-contained excitement. The pair seem to hit it off immediately.
“My name is Pachichichichi, Pachi for short. I’m 22 and I’ve only been doing drag for eight months. I love to perform, it’s what gets me up in the morning. You should see me Tail Whip all over the bars of Pastoria City!”
The conversation is interrupted by a slithering sound. Pachichichichi and Blissqueen turn towards the entrance. Oct Hillary walks in with extreme confidence. “Legs for days, honies. Legs for a week. Legs for more than a week.” She giggles at her own joke.
“My name is Oct Hillary and I am 54 years old. I grew up in Johto but I work in Saffron City, where all the best queens work. I wouldn’t say I’m the queen of the scene… but someone else might.”
Blissqueen recognises Oct Hillary immediately, and rushes over to embrace her. They explain to Pachi that Oct Hillary gave Blissqueen her first gig back in Olivine City. Pachichichichi gets a bit bold and asks if that makes Oct Hillary Blissqueen’s “drag grandmother.” Before they can react, there are footsteps.
She has the walk of a model and the stature to go with it. When she hits her mark, she just blows a big kiss.
“Greetings, loved ones. My name is Hijinks and my age is none of your business. I’m the ice queen of Driftveil City and don’t you forget it. I do it all, flips, tricks, battles, contests. The rest of these queens aren’t one ounce of competition.”
After her frosty entrance the façade appears to melt away as she turns to the other queens. She smiles warmly at them and greets them each with air kisses before finding her seat and introducing herself. She is somewhat ignored as Oct Hillary reads Pachichichichi for having the gall to make a crack about her age.
[Hijinks Confessional] “The disrespect.”
The room seems to shake as Slaggron enters. The scuffle is broken up immediately as she commands the attention of every drag queen. “Steel yourself girls, I’m going to Rock the competition,” she says with a wry smile.
[Blissqueen Confessional] “Butch queen alert.”
This large drag queen seems to have the rest of the group entranced, and Pachichichichi’s faux pas is quickly forgotten.
“Alright, luvs? My name is Slaggron and I’m from all the way over in Galar. We do it a bit differently there, it’s about talent – not the price of your Choice Items.”
Pachi whispers that she follows Slaggron on PokéGram, and her tone indicates that she feels intimidated by her presence. The table is starting to fill up now, but there are yet more drag queens to enter.
Kylia elegantly flows into the work room, snaps her fingers and summons a tiny black hole which pulsates with a whummm sound. “Which is which, witch or bitch?” she says in a sing-song voice. Slaggron stifles a laugh. Oct Hillary mutters under her breath, “bitch.”
“My name is Kylia, I am 24 years old and no, I’m not changing the name. I started drag as a Kirlia and I don’t think my brand would survive a change as drastic as that.”
She radiates as much confidence as Slaggron and Hijinks. After dismissing the black hole, Kylia joins the girls and enjoys the seat at the head of the table. Clearly enjoying the attention, she appears visibly miffed when the girls all turn away from her to see who the next arrival is.
“Possession is nine tenths of the law and exactly what I’ll do to any bitch who crosses me,” shrieks Miss Ette. She cackles right afterward, thrusting her arm into the air like RuPalkia does.
“Hi girls, I’m Miss Ette and I’m the spooky bitch of the season. You can find me haunting the bars of Saffron City, or your dad’s bedroom.”
Her composure fades away when she notices Oct Hillary. She frowns.
[Oct Hillary Confessional] “You got Miss Ette? Really? Well, I guess someone needed a filler queen.”
[Miss Ette Confessional] “Oh Arceus, Hillary? This is going to be… fun.”
At the table, the pair acknowledge each other and explain that they have long been rivals on the Kanto pageant circuit. Oct Hillary has beaten Miss Ette at every opportunity and it turned a burgeoning friendship very sour, very quickly. It seems that Oct Hillary doesn’t respect Miss Ette’s drag.
Interrupting the flow of the conversation is the sound of another drag queen entering. Kylia’s face drops when she sees the new arrival. Voila stands with her hands on her hips, not seeing the other drag queens yet. “Et, Voila!” she beams.
“‘Allo, I am Voila and I am from Lumiose City in Kalos. I speak wiz zis accent because it makes me sound, how you say, exotic. Acting. I’m fucking hilarious.”
She turns to her left, and their eyes lock. Neither makes a move, evaluating each other closely.
[Slaggron Confessional] “You shady bitches got two Gardevoir on the show?! And one’s a shiny? That’s just diabolical.”
[Blissqueen Confessional] “I know which one I’m rooting for, and it’s that Kalosian bitch.”
After a moment of deliberate deliberation, Voila moves effortlessly towards Kylia and embraces her. She says, just loud enough so that everyone can hear, “May the best Gardevoir win.”
“Thank you,” is the reply that Kylia gives. Voila scowls, though only for a second. After introductions are made, the drag queens await the next arrival.
Aquamarina is another imposing presence in the room, unmistakeable in her stature and beauty. Her arrival elicits gasps from some of the queens, gasps of appreciation.
“Aquamarina here. I’m 22 and I come from Cianwood City. It’s a little out of the way but I can compete as well as any of these girls, you’ll see.”
Despite her words, her turn to the girls is quite meek. She waves her fanned tail at them before slithering over to the table. Immediately the conversation turns to her beauty, and she seems genuinely embarrassed. When asked what she does, she doesn’t have a clear answer – eventually it comes to light that she’s never actually performed.
[Hijinks Confessional] “Small fry.”
Hijinks and Oct Hillary almost immediately gang up on Aquamarina, asking her why she’s at the show if she hasn’t performed. Aquamarina makes a stand and says that she has tricks up her sleeve.
[Slaggron Confessional] “I’m not counting the Milotic out just yet, anything can happen on a show like this.”
“All for one, and the one is me!” comes the cry from the entrance. The queens jump in shock – they were so busy assessing Aquamarina that they hadn’t realised that Lady Viri had entered the room. A hush falls over the queens.
“Hello, my name is Lady Viri and I am 39 years of age. I am the theatre queen of Nimbasa City, you may have heard of me.”
[Pachichichichi Confessional] “Holy shit, it’s Lady Viri!”
[Miss Ette Confessional] “I saw Lady Viri years ago in Tepygmalion, she is a legend! I can’t believe she’s here!”
Lady Viri looks very comfortable with the situation as she saunters towards the rest of the girls. She obviously expected such a reaction from the queens and is basking in the recognition that she’s getting. They talk about her legacy and it seems that only Slaggron was unaware of Lady Viri before coming on the show.
[Blissqueen Confessional] “This is a strong bunch. I don’t know who will be going home first.”
[Kylia Confessional] “Gosh, my knees are trembling. I can’t believe we’re actually all here!”
The excitement bubbles to a frenzy as the queens excitedly greet each other and get to know one another. But then, a siren. A flashing light. And then a door opens on the other side of the room.
“Hello, my queens, and welcome to the show!”
Who do you think will be first out? Who’s your pick to win? Comment below!
Curated Critiques 